Cuteboyrandy = Inducing Chronic Fear

I went to lunch with Cuteboyrandy. It was fun. He is sweet, polite, and ridiculously gentleman-like. I enjoyed it. However, I do feel that Randy is far more excited about a relationship than I am. This may result from the fact that I have been proposed to and then dropped in, literally, a matter of minutes. After an experience like this, it is hard for one to be "giddly with excitement" about the possibility of starting a new relationship. Actually, it makes one quite ready to "tinkle in their pants with fear" at this thought. Randy must not have had these experiences, however, because he is more on the "giddly" side, rather than the "tinkle in the pants" side.
Despite this difference, I did inquire of his Jesus-loving-status, and Randy is quite the Jesus-loving-boy. He even invited me to go to church with him at his church on Sunday night, and also reminded me to pray before I went to bed. Randy is extremely charming and sweet, although I am not quite sure that this means he is my "prince charming."
The real truth is, I am afraid of boyfriends. They make me want to bang my head into light posts several times until I'm unconcious, tinkle in my pants while huddling in a corner and crying out in fear, eat Cold Stone cake batter ice cream with brownies from a waffle bowl until I can't move off of the couch without throwing up, or even ride a bycicle out into the middle of Interstate-45 wearing all black at midnight.

Cuteboyrandy = NOT SO SHY.

I made one of my bi-weekly visits to Hobby Lobby today after work. I honestly was not thinking about Cuteboyrandy at all, because I was sorting out my christmas list and classes and life and my check book in my head. So I get a basket and I start looking around... and I am reminded of his adorableness, as Cuteboyrandy himself makes his way past me to the "cashwrap", if you will. I ponder his existence for a moment and move along. Soon after, I hear someone saying "excuse me,..." repeatedly, and I am RATHER annoyed by it because "I moved out of the way already.... will you just go by!!??? Trying to shop, here!!" However, I turn to see Cuteboyrandy... and he says "I think I've met you before... maybe because you come here alot, but I see you all the time, and I just wanted to say hi. I'm Randy. What's your name?"

At this point I believe my eyes were rolling back in my head and I was hanging on to that tiny basket to balance my legs up on top of my ankles. I don't remember alot of what was said, I was probably unconscious for most of it, but I went on about my shopping, and moments later, Cuteboyrandy, or "Randy," as I now know him, approaches me once more... and he straight up asked me to lunch tomorrow. And got my number.

Now, I don't know if Cuteboyrandy watched The Pick Up Artist and idolizes Mystery, or what... but whatever he does... it works.

I asked Randy if he was a Christian and where he went to church... and his answers were quite pleasing to me... however, I will inspect further his potential spiritual leadership abilities and devotion to living his life to honor Christ. That is, if I can stop drooling and making my 'astounded-what-on-earth-just-happened-boys-never-talk-to-me-in-public-unless-they-are-licking-their-teeth-and-making-duragatory-comments-or-are-yelling-hey-lil'-mama-across-parking-lots' face long enough to even speak.

RIP Pimp-C

Dearest Pimp-C,
I have not a clue who you were, but from what I gather, you were a true playa on the reals, yo. If I must be quite honest with you, I don't feel any different now that you are gone, but it seems that a select few of my friends on myspace, and some certain Houston news anchors, must have thought you were pretty hizzot up in the hizzouse. No disrespect, my homie, but I have to admit that I did not feel it was necessary to make you the top story on the 5 o'clock news, the 6 o'clock news, the 9 o'clock news, the 10 o'clock news, and the mid-suspensful-moment-in-my-favorite-tuesday-night-television-program breaking news report. I do, in fact, realize that you must have been quite a big dawg in the music industry, for I did hear that you busted a rhyme along side my boy (keeping it trill) Jay-Z. Too bad you couldn't have been more like my nucca Le Crae, then you would be big timing in your mansion in heaven right now, you feel me?
Holler at your girl.

Aunt Heather and Beautiful Averie

We enjoyed a little dancing together, and stopped for a few photographs as well...

after all, we are, clearly, supermodels...

The Cuteboyrandy Saga Continues.

So today my mother and I returned to Hobby Lobby to buy the third christmas tree for our home. I saw cuteboyrandy coming my way the minute I walked in the door, so I made the usual "obvious eye-contact" so that he will know I still think he's cute. After all, I do have a segment of blogs dedicated to him, in which he is referred to as "cuteboyrandy." So we go about our regular Hobby Lobby shopping routine, and I keep my eye on him throughout. Eventually, after much indecision and quarrelling, we make our way to the checkout with our desired items, where cuteboyrandy awaits the next call for a Christmas-Tree-Getter (although we musn't forget about the all-knowing-has-no-life-other-than-harrassing-cuteboyrandy's-potential-girlfriends-and-is-somehow-on-every-isle-of-Hobby-Lobby-at-the-same-time manager man). I notice, as I glance from afar, that he is talking with his co-worker, and descretely looking at me at the same time. Unfortunately for cuteboyrandy, it seems that his co-worker is terrible at talking about people discretely, as she continues to point at me as their conversation goes on. Secretly, I am very excited, because there is no indication that he is in any way repulsed by me, which is always a good sign.

As I was engaged in my "cuteboyrandy-observation," my mother had become displeased with her selections and decided not to make the purchase, so I was forced to breifly turn my attention away from him. When I looked back, he was gone. Off into the night...
to gather up baskets from the parking lot.

Death By Thanksgiving Dinner

Directly after eating mass quantities of dressing, turkey, sweet potatoes, green beans, mashed potatoes, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, etc., my throat began to close, I started to wheeze and cough, and it became quite painful to breathe. I have had previous nightmare incidents with raspberries and hives, however, I was not aware that I was chronically allergic to some component of the traditional Thanksgiving feast. Despite these life-threatening symptoms, I have chosen to eat leftovers and will eat more of the suspected problem foods tomorrow. I have, however, invested in some Wal-tin D ($5-Claritin), and will continue to monitor the situation.

The Christmas Tree Chronicles...The Truth About Ornaments.

I finally got to put up my christmas tree, and it is the most beautiful tree in all the land. You see, the truth about christmas tree ornaments is that you can never, and I mean never, have enough. First, you must start with the lights, and decorating the Christmas Tree is all about layering. My tree was pre-lit, but I did feel the need to add 110 pink mini bulbs to it. Then you may begin with the garland... tinsel first, following with the beads, and if you have pearls (and every elegant tree should have a few strands of pearl garland) they go next. Then you may begin with your favorite ornaments, starting with the most favorite, and ending with the least favorite. We do this because we must find the best spots for all the good ornaments... you wouldn't want to sacrifice a good ornament spot for a mediocre ornament. Now, you may only continue to the last step once you feel as though you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT find another branch to hang an ornament on, because at this point you know you have at least a sufficient amount on the tree (although it is impossible to have enough or too much. Once you have come to this you may begin inserting what we call "fillers" these can be little bows, plain ball ornaments, sprigs, etc,... Now, you might have a presentable tree, but a "sparse" tree is never good. Say "NO" to "sparse." Resist the temptation of lazy tree decorating. Don't forget your tree topper!
The picture DOES NOT do it justice...



P.S. My mother and I will be returning to Hobby Lobby shortly, and I plan to thoroughly investigate the cuteboyrandy situation. Goodday.

Target-Basket Hand-Smash.

Everyone is coming over for Thanksgiving tomorrow, so for the past two weeks I have been finishing my room. Today I went to Target and carefully chose a wall-shelf to hang, and I laid it across the top of my basket. I was desperately searching for a Shabby Chic table cloth (that does not exist) to match my adorable Shabby Chic bedding and curtain, when a lady walked by and smashed my hand between my shelf and her basket. Instead of STOPPING and releasing my hand from the smashing, she continued forward, with a puzzled look, as if something must be hindering her from moving ahead. Yeah, that would be the tiny bones in my fragile hand that are now crushed into 70 different peices beneath my throbbing swollen, skin, THANKS.

I have included an illustration...

Poop Dogs.

Yesterday a woman came into the salon and started talking to me about her dog. She asked me if I had dogs, I told her that I have two dogs, one that looks like a big wolf (I like to refer to her as "master splinter") and a dachsund that frequently gnaws the heads off of squirrells and possums, and they live outside. At this point, she proceded to tell me how cruel it was to get a dog if you are going to force it to live outside. She went on for quite sometime about the serverities of the weather, the possible diseases, eye-balls getting scratched out by cats, neglect, etc... and to her comments, I merely replied, "oh yeah?... well we don't really pet them that much because they smell like actual poop."

Christopher Columbus's Thanksgiving Cornbread.

Today my co-worker, Andrea, and I were talking about what our families do for Thanksgiving, and she said her boyfriend goes to Nicaragua every Thanksgiving. She asked him what they do in Nicaragua for Thanksgiving, and he laughed at her because everyone knows that Thanksgiving is an American holiday. So she said, "what do we celebrate Thanksgiving for, anyway?" and I replied, "well, DUH, Andrea, Thanksgiving is when Christopher Columbus came to America and the Indians showed him how to make cornbread!"
To which she responded, "Uh NO, Heather, Christopher Columbus has his own day."

Today I realized just how much I have forgotten from school.

Who Thinks of These Things?

I know I don't need to say much in order to enhance the comedic value of this ad, however...

#1: Who decided, out of all the people on planet earth that are capable of holding a bunch of fake money in front of a computer, that this girl was the most visually appealing for this ad?
#2: What person alive has that much crap-o gold jewelry to sell to that super-cute money holding girl?
#3: What exactly is the depreciated value of a ring from a 25 cent machine at El Toro?
#4: How many people can honestly acredit selling their gold jewelry online to getting them out of debt?

A Salon Accente' Phone Conversation.

H♥. : "Salon Accente', how may I help you?"

Caller : "Yes I need to make an appointment."

H♥ : "(Really. No kidding.) And who did you want to make it with?"

Caller : "Highlights and a Haircut."

H♥ : "(That is not a possible answer for the question, at all, ma'am.) Ok, highlights and a haircut... and who is your stylist?"

Caller : "No, I need it in the evening. I guess I have to call her myself..."
*click*

Yeah. I will just say for the record that I am not an idiot, and as can be concluded from this blog, I am rather articulate, and am therefore not possibly that hard to understand. I don't need to be told how to make an appointment for your dumb hair, nor do I need to be told what to write and how to write it down. I also, quite honestly, couldn't care less if your daughter was going to come with you last month, and she had an appointment down at 3:30, but then her sister's dog got sick so she had to watch her neice and nephew while they took it to the vet, and that was really bad because she couldn't get in to reschedule, and the next day she was expected at dinner with her future in-laws and her roots were so grown out she couldn't be seen in public, so she got put on the cancellation list and they called her the next day and said there was an opening at 10:00, but it was so funny, because that was about the only time that she couldn't do it that day, because she told her friend that she would go to Starbucks with her because her friend really wanted to try a frappuccinno, because she had never had one before, and so your daughter told her that she would go with her that day, and they would make it a date, so your daughter just had to fix her hair kind of poofy and half-up that night so you couldn't see her roots, and she used that biosilk finishing spray to spray it because first you started using it, and it was so fabulous that you convinced her to buy some, and now she's hooked on it, and you're both giving it to all your friends for Christmas this year. In fact, I don't even care if you have a daughter.

For all the rest of you out there...
-Don't call me and ask me for an appointment with someone, and when I put you down with them, say, "is she good?" What kind of a question is that? Do you really expect me to say... "oh,... you know what? That reminds me, she really isn't that good. Since you mentioned it, I'll put you down with someone else."
-And don't tell me that you hate how Karla is booked until January, and then say you need an appointment before Thanksgiving, which is in a week and two days.
-Please don't ask me what the latest appointment available is, and after I tell you, say, "do you have anything later than that?"
-Don't walk to my desk immediately from the bathroom, put your nasty moist hands on my counter, and tell me that we are out of toilet paper.
-Finally, do not call on monday when we are clearly closed, as stated on the recorded message, leave two messages, and then call at 8:45 on Tuesday morning, though we clearly open at 9:00, as stated on the recorded message, and tell me that you are ready to go somewhere else because I am horrible at returning messages.

Oven Lock Confusion.

I enjoy making sure that when I close the oven or the dishwasher, they are locked. For some reason, I have a fear of the door falling open. In the case of the dishwasher, this is never a problem. Latching the door in the appropriate manner is always fairly easy and possible, however, the oven, I'm afraid, is a different story...

I was making cookies from my unfortunately, yet tollerable, mediocre peanut butter cookie dough, and when I put the cookies in the oven and shut the door, I felt it necessary to lock the door. I mean, the oven is only 350 degrees at this point in the cookie making process, and I feel that locking the door should at least be an option. Indeed, it is not. You may only lock the oven door when the oven is not a flaming hot inferno. Now, I understand that locking the oven door is not for everyone, but is it so much to ask that while the oven is hot enough to heat and cook flesh, it may be locked to prevent any possible incidents? And does it really make sense to put a lock on an oven when it doesn't even function at tempuratures of 200 degrees and higher?

I do believe that if I were an oven manufacturer, I would have thought a little more about installing those oven locks, and their possible, and yet non-existent, features.

The Christmas Tree Chronicles...A Partridge [And The Actual] Tree.

My daddy bought me the actual Christmas Tree that I so desperately longed for in the Hobby Lobby window. Cuteboyrandy was not there, however, I will consider this tragic disapointment to be more information obtained regarding his general work schedule, and instead I visited with the usual always-on-top-of-all-things-hobby-lobby-and/or-all-things-involving-hobby-or-for-that-matter-home-decor-and-it's-packaging-loves-to-sport-the-combover manager man. "No, I do not want the stupid gigantic box for my beautiful, skinny, rustic, not-at-all-sparse, pre-lighted christmas tree... STOP ASKING! And I dont care if you can go get one from the back!"

Today I purchased a very elegant partridge tree topper which I hunted down at the Baybrook Mega Marshalls after passing up two of them at the regular Fairmont Plaza Marshalls. The moment I saw that lonely partridge amongst the feet of many snowmen and nutcracker statues, I knew it was a sign from God. She must sit atop the branches of my glorious first Christmas tree.

I have also questioned cuteboyrandy's possibility of salvation and spiritual-leadershipness... and I figure... they play christian music all the time at Hobby Lobby... must be why he works there?

Cracked-Out Barbie.

I'm a big fan of America's Next Top Model, and I really loved Yoanna House. She has such pale skin and dark hair; a very unique beauty. I always felt I had some sort of connection with Yoanna...

and today I saw this in Short Hairstyles magazine...

THEN NOW

Next time I start looking like a cracked-out Beverly Hills Barbie, please let me know. Also, remind me that I'm hideous. Thanks.

The Christmas Tree Chronicles... Crash and Burn

Today I went shopping for my first Christmas tree. I have yet to decide on the actual tree, but ornaments at Hobby Lobby were half-off... couldn't resist. Cute-Boy-Randy works at Hobby Lobby. I first met cute-boy-Randy when my grandmommy, my mama, and I were shopping a couple of weeks ago. Intercom lady paged for someone to get my grandmommy's tree down for us... and from the back of the store, in all his glory, he came. 'Twas cuteboyrandy... and just as he got to the counter, the intercom lady said "CANCEL THAT, RANDY," and the short, hairy, weird-accent-total-dispointment-of-a-tree-getter-manager-man put the tree in our basket. (Who does he think he is? The greatest Hobby Lobby manager on earth, or what? Lay off the pronto tree-getting, sasquatch. Some of us want to flirt with cuteboyrandy. Geez.)

The next time I went to Hobby Lobby, he held the door open for me and said "Have a Nice Day, Ma'am." (uh...what the heck, cuteboyrandy, don't call me "ma'am" ever again or I will punch you in the face before all of Hobby Lobby.)

So today, just as I picked up a beautiful glass ornament with intricate black filigree on it, a distraction other than that of black dot caught my eye, and all I could see was cuteboyrandy. Yeah. Right up until I dropped the ornament and it broke into a million peices on the floor.

And who comes to help me in my desperate time of need, and to sweep the tiny, shattered, slivers of hope that cuteboyrandy might tell me to have a nice day again and throws them all away?

short-hairy-always-getting-in-the-way-of-contact-with-cute-boy-randy-his-childhood-dream-was-to-be-the-greatest-hobby-lobby-manager-of-all-time-manager-man.

Here are my first christmas tree decorations...

A Little Too Big To Be A Fairy.

For Halloween I was a fairy... it was so much fun... I made my costume myself, Andrea @ Salon Accente' did my hair, and my makeup was the best part!

Check it out... someone told me I was "a little too big to be a fairy."

Dripped hot glue on my finger... thus, a disguting blister.

Black Dot.

Every where I look I see a black dot. It follows my left eye around. I first noticed it two weeks ago on Sunday. I was at church, making, quite honestly, the slightest effort possible to pay attention to the sermon, when suddenly, a bug tried to fly in my left eye, for a really long time. It was actually a really long, drawn out ordeal with the "bug" whom I soon discovered was actually ON my eye. Despite my desperate attempts to locate and remove the black dot, it remains. I looked up black eye dots on Google, and the doctor on WebMD said, "you'll get used to it." I am not at all pleased with this response. I supposed if I have to deal with this black dot, I will give him a name... which has not yet been decided.

Stupid Pumpkins.

Today my mom and I made sugar cookies and we cut them out in the shape of pumpkins. Stupid pumpkins. They kept breaking while I was trying to ice them... anyway, they have reese's pieces eyes and candy corn teeth. Cute. Oh, and don't try to make over 30 cookies and decorate each one meticulously in one sitting. You'll just end up trying to shoot yourself in the face. Goodday.

If I Were a Goob.

So I'm watching Kimora Lee Simmons: Life in the Fab Lane, and Kimora is looking for a new assistant. Yeah... uh... These people that they interviewed are absolutely ridiculous. If those are the kind of chicks that show up as candidates to be the new assistant at Baby Phat... then I really need to look into applying for that job. Seriously... I think my left pinky toe alone could have beat all those girls for that job. However, sometimes I do wonder if I'm one of those people who thinks they're fabulous, but they are really completely dateless goobs. I really hope not. At least if I were a goob, I would want to understand and be accepting of that.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Its fall and getting cold outside... and that means that I can layer my tops like crazy, pile on a scarf and break out my leg warmers! I love cold weather! So I decided to go out today to buy some warmer clothes, and I could not have had a better shopping day if I were Victoria Beckham herself (and any shopping day while you are married to David Beckham is an amazing shopping day, I must only assume). My body was quite obviously rockin' today because everything looked great on it, and due to the extreme excitement, I found myself uncontrollably striking poses in front of the mirror, and this soon escalated into full-out dancing to the music for myself, Gwen Stefanie style.

Have you ever wonderd if the people working in the dressing room can see your feet moving around... and they know you're dancing? Because I wondered that today.

Check out the jacket I bought... I think I'm in love.